Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
