i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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