well you can't waste a boner
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Of course I have a pirate flag
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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