I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
