Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
