the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
