It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
