Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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