Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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