There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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