every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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