who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
