if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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