The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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