Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
