I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
