I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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