Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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