the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
