Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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