he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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