So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
