somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
