I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Randomize
