Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
