I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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