you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
