I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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