I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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