Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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