god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
