i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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