Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
i think my cat just said my name.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
