my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
