Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
and you fell through a lawn chair
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
