oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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