before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize