I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
