GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize