Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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