Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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