I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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