I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
