I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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