That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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