but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
