I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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