There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Drake has all the answers
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
