oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
