I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
