just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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