I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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