ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
