i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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