census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
