I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
