Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
