I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
