I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i think my cat just said my name.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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